Consolation Champs

Can you tell what movie this “review” is for?

“SEX/NUDITY 7 – We see a woman’s bare breasts and another woman in a bra and panties; they kiss passionately and caress each other. We see a woman passionately kissing many different men in quick shots. We see a poster of a fully nude woman. A man and woman kiss passionately and hold each other. A man and woman kiss briefly and the man touches the woman’s face tenderly. A woman wears a tight fitting slip, a man is shown bare to the waist and in jockey shorts, a man getting a massage is bare to the waist, and we see a painting of a woman in a bikini revealing some cleavage. A man refers to being in love with his adopted sister. Two men hug in friendship.

VIOLENCE/GORE 5 – A man slits his wrists during a suicide attempt; we see his arms covered with streaming blood, he falls to the floor and we see puddles of blood when he is discovered (we later see the long, stitched up wounds). A man drives recklessly through a street crashing into a house, nearly hitting two children, and killing a dog (we don’t see this, but there are references to it); he goes through a window and we see some blood on his forehead. There are references to a woman having been killed in a plane crash. There is a reference to a girl having lost half of her finger (we see a scene of a man’s alarmed face as he brings a hatchet down into a log and presumably cuts the girl’s finger off); we see her with a wooden attachment throughout the film. A man stabs a man in the stomach with a Swiss army knife; we see him treating the wound later and there’s a blood spot on his shirt. A man punches a glass window breaking it and we see his bloody, bandaged hand later. A man shoots a boy with a BB gun and we hear that a BB is lodged in his hand. A man chases another man through a house, knocking a man down some stairs as they go, and when he catches up with him he pounds his head into a brick wall several times and then throws him over it. A man is hit in the eye. A boy has a spot of blood on his forehead. A woman slaps a man in the face. A man is shown on a stretcher and there’s talk of him having a broken ankle. A man and two boys run through traffic, ride on the back of a moving garbage truck, are chased by a taxi driver after they throw water balloons at his car, and do other reckless things. A man falls to the floor when he tries to stand up. A man talks about having been stabbed in the stomach. We see a group of people standing over the grave of a dog. There is a reference to a man having had a heart attack and dying. A man talks to another man about symptoms of an illness (nausea, vomiting, seizures). A girl wears a zebra costume with red paint spots on it (representing blood). A skeleton is uncovered at a dig site, a skeleton hangs in a woman’s office, and we see a mounted boar’s head a few times.

PROFANITY 5 – 3 F-words, 7 scatological terms, 1 sexual reference, 6 anatomical terms, 27 mild obscenities, 3 religious profanities, 2 religious exclamations, 3 derogatory terms for African-Americans, 1 derogatory term for a woman, 1 derogatory term for Irish-Americans.

DISCUSSION TOPICS – Separation, divorce, broken families, being a genius, adoption, drug use and abuse, suicide, dysfunctional families, cancer, disappointment, being disbarred, depression, infidelity, failing your children.

MESSAGE – We should all be given the opportunity to fix the mistakes we have made in our lives.

(Note: Several characters are seen smoking throughout the movie and one man is shown to be addicted to drugs; one scene shows him in front of a table covered with a variety of drugs.)”

Now, I don’t have kids, but even if I did, breaking a movie down into little bits of offensive material to shield them from reality completely misses the point. How about talking to your kids about the real world? If you’re still stumped, here’s a link to the full review. Oh, and by the way, how does a boar’s head or a skeleton hanging in someone’s office represent violence or gore? That type of subtle reasoning seems laughable in the face of the overall purpose of the site.

I’ve been pretty scarce online of late. As I mentioned last week, I’m becoming interested in “Bollywood” films, and have been reading and trying to research a little bit. As if there weren’t enough films to watch already! Another thing that’s been taking a lot of my time lately is my growing interest in wine. I’ve just finished reading an excellent introduction, entitled The Windows on the World Complete Wine Course, by Kevin Zraly. It’s hard to believe that Windows on the World, the restaurant at the top of the now vaporized World Trade Center, used to sell more than 10,000 bottles of wine per month. Brooke and I begin a four week “course” in wine appreciation this week at one of our friendly neighbourhood LCBO stores. This is to prepare us for a weekend to some Niagara wineries in August, and eventually for our Sonoma trip in October.

We did, of course, watch some movies this weekend. Men in Black II (2002) was completely disposable. It felt like they put the de-neuralyzer on the audience at the end, that’s how much of the film I remember. We did rent Ocean’s Eleven (2002), which was much more enjoyable. Though it was purely entertainment, at least it was smartly-written entertainment. I love the sort of movie where at least there’s some cleverness used. They didn’t just shoot up the place. Great music, great costumes, and lots of other cinematic flourishes made this a winner for me. It’s Steven Soderbergh, after all. I can’t wait to see what he’ll do with Solaris. I’ve seen the original Solaris (1972), and it’s hard to imagine George Clooney in this film. The older film was long, meditative, and creepy. A bit like 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), in fact. I hope Soderbergh can make a sci-fi film without too many explosions.